You Can't Trust Anyone Now
by List-Me-The-Reasons
Summary: AU: Cross has always looked after Allen. Always. But when the repressed memories in Allen return faster than expected, and Allen's very self begins to vanish, Cross is forced to figure out where and with whom his loyalties lie. Whether he decides to support the 14th, obey the Black Order, or save Allen, he has to stand by what he thinks is right before someone else chooses for him.
1. Prologue

This is my first serious story in a long time. Wow. Just... wow. I'm used to writing humor so expect some of that (not crack- maybe irony or witty phrases), but I'm sorry if this sucks. I have to admit, though- my writing has improved.

By one percent maybe ._.

Prologue

-DGrayMan-

There was a silence in the air as tense as the finger on the trigger of the gun currently held to Allen Walker's head. In the end, he supposed it really was just the three of them in that small room, all on different sides and with no negotiation. No one spoke, and for the longest time, no one even moved. Outside a storm was raging, lighting the room with occasional flashes and filling the silence with loud cracks in the sky. Silver eyes shifted to watch the drops of rain explode on impact with the ground, as if the owner had forgotten about the gun held to his head. He watched the rain fall and pitied the drops that clung to the window, rolling down slowly and with no other choice. Like hands desperately clinging onto an edge but slipping, trying not to fall into an abyss by oneself. 'Allen' tore his gaze away to look into the eyes of his opponent, face hardening to prove he wasn't afraid of this man.

"C'mon, -" ... "-don't be this way."

The man just feet away neither wavered in his form nor did he answer. The barrel of the gun remained pointed at 'Allen,' who saw nothing but the raw hatred displayed on his expression and the only visible dark eye of the intruder. So that's how it was, then. To be betrayed by his followers was one thing, but from _this_ person?

It's understandable, though.

Allen is someone important to him. Allen is above all others to that man, and, the very reason why_ he_ even bothers.

Then wouldn't it make sense for him to side with 'Allen' to preserve Allen?

"We can restore order,-" ... "All I wanted was change," he told the man, staring right into the face of his soon-to-be killer. He wasn't afraid, and they both knew it. The only one who was afraid and desperate, desperate like those drops of rain crying for help, was _him_. Hand shaking, fingers twitching, facade breaking at the thought of shooting the person before him.

'Allen' spoke one more time before the decision was made.

"All Allen wanted was change. Don't you understand that, -...?"

The gun clicked and 'Allen' felt himself being pushed backwards violently. He looked down at the red blooming in his chest and then back to the intruder as he fell, collapsing to his knees. Blood splattered everywhere and his vision dimmed, making it hard for him to focus. He glared accusingly at his shooter, and shouted through the pain lodged in his chest.

"You better figure out who your friends and your enemies are, Cross. You can't dance between the lines forever."

Cross Marian aimed the gun one last time, never speaking as he put his finger on the trigger and silenced 'Allen' for good.

He'd already made up his mind, and nothing was going to stop him from getting what he wanted.

Nothing.

-DGrayMan-

A/N: Sorry it's short! This is only a prologue and they're usually around this length, but still, I'd rather have it longer. Next chapter will have more to read :)


	2. Chapter 1: Hurricane Feelings

Chapter One: Hurricane Feelings

-DGrayMan-

"_Master, wake up._"

Cross Marian's eyes shot open to the voice of his apprentice and he sat up in bed as if shocked, head turning from side to side to search for the source of the voice. Both his heart and mind were in a state of disarray; his heart beating wildly and painfully as if he'd been put into battle, and his mind foggy from just waking up. When he saw that he was all alone in his room, he turned his gaze to the alarm clock beside him on his nightstand and groaned. Two in the morning and he couldn't even spend his nights undisturbed. As if the Black Order's surveillance wasn't enough, he also had to deal with _other_ various issues.

Annoyed with both himself and life in general, Cross settled back down under the covers and shut his eyes. He laid there in the darkness of his room (or as he'd earlier dubbed it: prison cell) trying to forget about what he had heard and to return to his dreamless sleep. His mind was alert and his heart still in the process of returning to a normal beat, making him even further restless than he already was. Cross shifted under his covers to turn the other way, and stared at the closed window on the that side of the room.

Knowing he wouldn't be able to fall asleep unless he did something relaxing, Cross threw the covers off of himself to get out of bed. Each step he took to the window was cushioned by the soft carpeting beneath him, each step becoming heavier on his heart. When he reached the window, he leaned forward on the windowsill and lightly pushed aside the heavy drapes just enough for a peek outside. There was nothing interesting to watch at two in the morning, but that was exactly what he wanted. He needed to see something boring and unentertaining for his head to calm down, then he would be able to rest for a few more hours.

Five minutes of staring at some tree down below bored him enough, but he was still thinking about _that_. Cross put the drapes back in their place and left the window in search of something even more mind-numbing. Posture slouching as he shuffled toward the couch in his room, Cross cursed his apprentice for causing so much trouble for him. And while they were trapped in the same building, they weren't even permitted to see each other. Cross rolled his eyes as he sat down on his couch, leaning back to gaze at the high ceiling. What made the situation worse was that he had even allowed himself to come back to this hellhole for the idiot. Frustrated now, Cross closed his eyes and released a deep sigh. He should have just run off and let Allen find him, like he always did.

"_Master,_" called that voice. Cross internally winced and attempted to ignore the hallucination.

"Shut up," he ordered.

There was a silence. Cross put the back of his hand on his forehead, wondering if he had caught a cold. Before he could open his eyes, there was a flash and then behind his eyelids was the face of Allen Walker, silver eyes expressing a rare happiness he never saw in their time together, and then a smile. Trapped by the illusion, Cross had to focus to come back to reality. He pushed himself off the couch and rushed to the bathroom, nearly knocking down the door to reach the sink. Cross turned the knob and hurried to splash cold water on his face to get rid of the image. When he pulled away and looked at himself in the mirror, he could have sworn he saw the illusion before him. Instinctively, Cross grabbed for the nearest object and threw it at the mirror as if assaulting the reflection would take care of his problem. Glass shattered and flew everywhere as result of his impulsive action. Small shards scraped at him but he didn't care, slumping against the wall and sliding down to the floor while holding onto his head.

To anyone else Cross would have looked like a madman, but he didn't care; that wasn't even his concern. What did have him worried was that his hallucinations were becoming worse by the day. Every time he was alone, the image of that damn kid appeared behind his eyelids to taunt him, his very voice speaking to him in the dead silence. He never told anyone since doing so would only bring him more problems, and let himself suffer quietly. He convinced himself this was karma for what he'd done in the past, and that one day it would stop, but who was he trying to fool? These illusions wouldn't ever come to an end so long as he held onto the guilt from years ago.

Cross sat there until he fell asleep, surrounded on all sides by glass, wishing someone would admit him to an insane asylum.

...

A nudge against his face woke him up several hours later. Cross forced himself to look at his harasser and found Timcanpy, his golden golem, perched on his shoulder and growling at him. Before Tim got the chance to do something like eat his hair (which he had done before), Cross flicked the golem off of him and stood from his spot against the wall. Tiredly, he slowly rose but was prevented from moving forward by Tim. Cross was about to shoo him away, but caught a glimpse of the shards of glass around him and stilled, trying to remember what had happened before he'd passed out. The broken mirror and the small scars on him suggested he had been the one to cause this. It wasn't the first time something like this had happened, where he passed out in a random place and woke up to find part of his surroundings damaged.

Cross stepped around the glass and went to go find a dustpan and broom to remove the mess from the marble floor of his bathroom. He found them stored in his closet and returned to the scene, letting Timcanpy assist him in removing the evidence of last night. He didn't know how the hell he was going to take care of the mirror (there was no way he would be able to just throw it out and not expect anyone to question him) but he pushed aside that matter for now. Though it would be difficult to keep his mind away from his current problem, he told himself that he wasn't going to think about it when he had things to do.

Quickly, he got dressed to leave his room. The bodyguards outside his room followed him as he stalked down the hallways to get to the cafeteria. The Black Order staff stared at him as he passed, which irritated him because it was so obvious. They didn't even bother to hide that they were looking at him. Ever since _that_ incident back at the old Order, when they had been attacked by a Level 4, there had been clear distrust directed towards both him and his apprentice because of what had happened after the event. Cross had been under suspicion before that, so it wasn't much that was new for him. Allen was bound to be faring differently, since he had been the one to control the Ark back then. With _that_ now added to the pile of doubts the Order had placed on him, Cross could only assume Allen was under a lot of stress.

That wasn't his problem though. He had his own problems to deal with and Allen should be able to take care of himself by now. What Cross had to take care of involved him waiting. He didn't know for how long, just that he had to be patient. Until that time came, he just needed to stay alive. The one job he had was simple, but the work he received from the Order in the meanwhile drove him crazy.

_Maybe that's why I'm having these delusions_, Cross thought as he entered the cafeteria. There wasn't really anyone at this time so it was fine for him to be here. Scanning the room, he did a headcount and saw only finders and a few scientists scattered throughout the large place. The line was short too, so soon enough he was able to order his breakfast from Jerry. It didn't take long for the cook to set him up with his coffee and meal, so the red haired man picked out a random table while ignoring the bodyguards that followed him. Jeez. He couldn't even get a moment of peace, even when he was trying to eat.

Once again ignoring the stares, Cross finished off his meal as fast as he could without drawing too much attention. He was halfway through his coffee when he heard the chef call out the name of the last person he wanted to see.

"Well if it isn't Allen-kun, my favorite customer!" Jerry exclaimed, causing Cross to turn to see said person enter the cafeteria accompanied by Howard Link, as usual. Cross tensed, though thankfully he wasn't noticed by his apprentice. He looked away and pretended he hadn't seen the brat at all, when in fact he was listening in to what was going on over there.

"Hi Jerry," Allen greeted politely. Cross could only imagine the automatic smile he put on in front of others. "How are you doing today?"

"Oh, I'm just fine. You're such a thoughtful boy, Allen," Jerry gushed.

Cross twitched.

Allen initiated a conversation with the cook following the morning greeting and Cross wanted to plug his ears with the direction that their talk was going. It was mostly mindless chatter, which was fine since no one was in line but Allen and the inspector. Cross tried to finish his mug of coffee but found that it was hard to focus with the knowledge his apprentice nearby.

Thinking back to that incident, even Cross had doubts about Allen. It was fine to be skeptical about his ability to play that piano- which he wasn't- but Cross honestly felt like he had to keep an eye on the kid after what had happened back then. Something inside of Allen had changed. Cross felt as if he were the only one who could see it, as he had spent the most time with him, and wasn't sure if others had noticed it but there was definitely something there that didn't belong.

Timcanpy, who'd been sitting on his shoulders all this time, took off to fly over to Allen. Cross cringed, not having wanted Tim to do that. Had Tim stayed in place, Cross would have been able to stay a while longer to listen in, but he would have been spotted by that inspector at some point. By Allen, well, Cross could literally sit right next to the kid and be shouting and Allen wouldn't even hear or see him. Now, Cross wasn't a stalker or anything like that; this was just the... intense research of an individual.

"General Cross," came the voice of the inspector. Cross snorted and finished his drink, which had already cooled down so that it was nothing more than cold, brown water. It was bitter, too.

Cross turned around to face not only the inspector, but Allen as well and Cross flinched. Link noted his reaction and Cross kicked himself mentally, but Allen looked at him from behind his pile of food to see who his current guardian had stopped to coldly greet.

"Master?"

A knot formed in his stomach and twisted further when Allen gave him a small smile, however nervous it was.

"Good morning," Allen greeted almost timidly.

"... Hn."

Cross stood from his table and passed by the two, his bodyguards following behind him. He heard Link tell Allen to move on and forget that he had come in contact with his master. Normally this meeting would have been recorded, but Link must have deemed it too insignificant to report to the higher-ups. Jerry looked at him quizzically as he returned his dishes and proceeded to storm out. Cross didn't care; he was annoyed by the incident and that he and Allen were forbidden from even staying in the same area for more than a few seconds. What did they want to do next, ship him to the moon? Cross toyed with the thought of the Black Order strapping his apprentice to a rocket to send him to the moon, or better yet, the planet Mars. If they found a way to do it, they would.

To calm himself down, he thought about other methods the Order might try to separate him and his apprentice, most of which anyone would call "fucking stupid." His ideas involved Komurin and turning Allen into a woman so Cross couldn't recognize "her," which he would. He would definitely notice a new woman around the Order and if Allen disappeared at the same time.

Cross added ten more methods to that list by the time he reached his room. In better humor, he opened the door to enter by himself. The guards stayed behind outside, which he was grateful for. He hated being watched over every moment of his day. He understood the lack of trust, but he had his right to privacy. Unless he had company, which would be supervised no matter what he did. He had tested that out in the beginning of his stay and found there were no exceptions.

Timcanpy flew in after him before he closed the door and dashed over to the window, accidentally crashing into it before he could stop himself.

"..."

Cross sighed and went over to the gold golem. Tim was hitting the glass with his wing and pointing to something outside, so Cross glanced out the window to see what the commotion was about. He understood why when he saw Allen walking out of the building with Link to go to some other part of the Order.

"So are you up to sending him messages?" Cross asked the golden golem. While any kind of contact between him and his apprentice wasn't allowed, Cross didn't give a damn and called it okay as long as no one knew about it. Timcanpy growled in the affirmative and fluttered up to his face to record. He waited for the go and went ahead, "Allen, this is Cross. I want you to communicate through Tim, but only when you're alone. End of message."

Tim stopped the recording for Cross to give him instructions. Since listening to the message with Link around would be one of the worst ideas ever, Cross commanded Timcanpy to show Allen the memo when he was by himself. Tim nudged the window to motion for Cross to open it, and when he barely had a crack open, the golem squeezed through to leave. Cross shut the window again and watched Tim fly after Allen below.

He really hoped Allen was up to talking, because there was a lot he needed to say to him. Allen of all people deserved an explanation, and the people that were aware of what was to happen to him weren't speaking. The thought of that conversation made him uneasy, though lately he had felt like that a lot whenever it came to Allen. His stomach would twist and everything became a nuisance, his rarely displayed emotions would jumble together and swirl around in his head like a hurricane, then hit him when he was alone, the impact so violent he would lose concentration. He didn't want to do any of this, he would actually rather dodge the matter entirely, but someone had to tell Allen the truth.

Cross sat down on his couch and leaned forward with his head hung, staring down at the floor but not actually looking. He was... tired. He was really, _really_ tired. He didn't have the energy to deal with this right now; the hurricane feelings, Allen, talking and everything else was frustrating and tiring and he just wanted to return to bed. Though he knew he would only have nightmares, it was better than the alternatives he could think of.

"_Master_," the hallucination Allen called.

The room blurred and Cross's head rose to watch his mind create the image of the walls around him melt and darken to the color of blood red, which oozed down the ground to pool up to his ankles. Cross knew it was only an illusion so he didn't panic, but his heart suddenly began to beat faster and his hands were ice cold and shaking. He could only keep his gaze fixed on his hands, wondering what the hell his mind was doing to him. The blood even got onto his hands, but because he...

Cross looked up.

He wasn't even in his room anymore; he was outside in the cold of winter, getting dusted over by snow. Visibility was poor but he recognized this scene. There was no way he could forget _this_. He looked back down at his hands and not only were they soaked in blood, but they were holding Judgment as well. And according to his memory, he rushed forward, his feet crunching in the heavy layers of snow, taking him forward to the place he had burned into his mind that day five years ago.

A circus tent stood alone, swaying in the violent storm around it. Footsteps leading to the entrance were being covered by the new snow, though Cross followed the path to rush into the scene he hated, pushed his way into the ring to see himself shooting down akuma left and right. Cross blinked and the blood returned to soak the inside, all over the seats and stairs, splattered across the floor with the bodies of fading akuma strewn about the place, and then real people that he had killed. Humans with skin as white as snow and no longer breathing, bullets lodged into their frames and eyes wide open, terrified and filled with horror. The circus was dead silent as Cross forced his body to move forward to follow the apparition of himself. He knew what came next after this.

He entered the backstage which was pitch black and even had the same smell of blood as the main floor, eyes adjusting to the darkness slowly. Just as he had done that, a light from nearby exploded, accompanied by two gunshots. Cross went in that direction and picked up his pace to run after the light that was glowing brighter by the moment. What he rushed into was part of the backstage, completely ruined by the fight he had initiated back then. He squinted through the light and covered his eyes momentarily against the glare, but as he removed his hand his eyes widened and his heart stopped beating, because there on the snowy ground was the body of a ten year old Allen Walker.

_This wasn't how it happened, though_, he told himself as he knelt down beside the body. His blood covered arm reached out to touch Allen, but his wrist was seized by a cold hand that shouldn't have been able to move. For a few moments all Cross could see was silver eyes open to stare accusingly at him, mouth opening to speak the words he didn't want to hear.

"_Don't forget, this is all because of you_," the illusion Allen told him, mirroring Cross's exact words from five years ago.

The snow storm ended, the dream world coming to a sudden stop. The illusion smiled cruelly and fell apart to become bright orbs of light, while the world Cross was trapped in was torn apart. The ground beneath him collapsed and he lost his footing, slipping into the endless darkness below. He fell quickly and watched the sky above resume snowing, though more softly with each flake drifting down harmlessly, as if that dimension had only been violent because he had been there and calmed now that he was gone. With only him reaching up towards the fleeting sky, he continued to fall until the light was reduced to a small star in the nighttime sky that swallowed everything.

His hands reached out for that light, but all he could do was continue to fall from the twisted memory.

...

Cross didn't know when the memory ended, but he came to at some point. He had exited the illusion in the same place he had started it, sitting down on the couch and leaning forward, staring into nothing but with his breathing irregular and his hands still shaking.

He stood without knowing where he was going, and left the room to the surprise of the guards stationed outside. They scrambled to go after him but Cross ignored them, too shaken up over the flashback to bother with them. He didn't care for them. He didn't care for anything.

He just needed to clear his mind of this insanity, that was all.

-DGrayMan-

A/N: I feel so bad for making Cross go insane ._.

I'll have to decide what to do for next chapter (whose POV I should use, that is, though it will probably be Allen's) but until then here's some stuff to think about:

What happened both five years ago and after the attack from the Level 4?

Why is Cross seeing things?

What do you think will happen next?

And thanks for the few favorites/alerts I got yesterday! They made me very happy :)


	3. Chapter 2: Treatment

Chapter Two: Treatment

-DGrayMan-

Allen Walker had not had a pleasant morning. He'd been forced to wake earlier than usual by his guardian, Link. It'd taken him a while to become somewhat coherent and by the time he had, he'd had no clue what he was doing. Clothes were thrown on and he fumbled with each button on his shirt, tiredly rubbing his eyes while tucking in said shirt and shrugging on his vest. His trademark red ribbon was tied a little clumsily though he would fix that later. A quick check in the mirror was all he needed to see to confirm that yes, he looked a little messy but not like a disaster. Good enough for him. He barely made it out the door without stumbling.

Upon freshening himself up in the bathroom as part of his morning routine, he had become more alert with a few splashes of cold water on his face. He forced a smile on his face the whole time, however much it hurt him to smile when he in fact did not feel happy at all. The reflection he saw in the mirror felt the same, looking at his counterpart with the same lying eyes as his own. Momentarily the smile faltered, but Allen remembered that there were others with him and that his image couldn't afford to be damaged by this, so he fixed the smile back in place and continued to lie.

_Even though his face was aching from it_.

Despite the ache, he smiled to everyone who looked his way and moved on even though his mouth was hurting from the facade he assumed. He saw that some were reluctant to return the small greeting, but that was understandable ever since the Ark fiasco. That was something he had been unable to help so Allen didn't dwell much over that. It wasn't even that big of a deal, both the Ark and the suspicion he was under. He understood it and was fine with it so long as he could continue to be an exorcist.

_No matter what, he had to be an exorcist_.

So this distrust… was nothing.

That's what he told himself.

After going down several hallways trying to reach their destination, Allen and Link stopped where they were to be pointed in the right direction by a worker. They had both arrived two days ago and weren't familiar with the headquarters yet. In fact, Allen had barely gotten around to unpacking as he'd had to deal with paperwork provided from none other than the Black Order. It was a little stressful what with moving in, getting to work, and constantly getting lost, but Allen tried not to worry over it so much.

But because Link was always carrying their huge stacks of paper, the inspector relied on Allen to lead them around. Allen kept telling him it was a bad idea and that they should swap tasks, but the papers would become even more of a mess when Allen tried to handle them. Link claimed he had no choice but to carry the stacks and risk getting lost, because there was no way he would let Allen touch them.

The new cafeteria was similar to the one Allen had been accustomed to back in their old headquarters. This area was lit more brightly and seemed more spacious than before. The tables were longer and had chairs that would probably be replaced by something more permanent later. Seeing as it was early, only few people were actually in the mess hall whereas it was normally packed. He guessed this was how it looked before normal people woke up. Allen got in line to greet Jerry, the cook.

"Well if it isn't Allen-kun, my favorite customer!" warmly greeted the cook. Allen cut Link in line to talk to Jerry, his mood lifting instantly. Link didn't notice since he was preoccupied with his papers, trying to prevent them from falling. Allen stepped in front of Link without worrying about being scolded about his improper behavior.

"Hi Jerry," Allen smiled back at the chef, "How are you doing today?"

"Oh, I'm just fine. You're such a thoughtful boy, Allen," he gushed and leaned forward from behind the counter. "Did you sleep well? I heard from Lenalee-chan that you've been having a tough time getting through the nights." Jerry waved his spatula and waved it around mindlessly as he spoke.

_The dreams, the black shadows that watch, those voices all mean nothing._

_They are nothing._

"Actually, I had another nightmare," Allen admitted to his friend. "They're becoming more frequent and I'm really worried about it." Then realizing that his face was sad, Allen brought himself out of that state and resumed his mask. "I don't like to bother others, though, so please don't concern yourself with my problems."

Jerry pouted but let the matter go. "That's an admirable characteristic, Allen-kun, but you have to take care of yourself when need be," the cook advised. "No one here wants to see you suffer."

With a small blush, Allen averted his gaze mumbled a soft "thank you." Recognizing Allen's abashed state, Jerry pushed away from the counter to fold his arms. "Now what can I get you to eat?"

Allen's stomach growled on cue and his face flushed harder. He looked back up to the cook to order his breakfast, listing off all of the things he was hungry for and gave Jerry Link's order as well (which consisted of nothing but sweets).

While they waited for their orders, Allen tried to fill out some of the paperwork as per his guardian's request. He took the first paper and put it up to the wall to write in answers with the pen Link provided. He managed to fill in at least half of the paper he was on when Jerry announced that their food was ready. Allen hadn't ordered much since Link insisted that he start to cut back, so their food had been prepared faster than usual.

Allen considered asking for a cart to carry their food, though instead he took it all in one trip by piling it like Link did with his papers. Allen nodded his thanks to Jerry and wished him a good day, following Link from behind his stack. He nearly bumped into the inspector and wondered why he had suddenly stopped, heard Link coldly say "General Cross" and felt his blood freeze.

To confirm that the red headed general was there, Allen peeked from behind his pile of food to see that his master was indeed in the same room.

"Master?" Allen blinked and tilted his head further around Link, who moved in his way to block him. Playfully, Allen smiled at Link and shifted so he could greet his master. "Good morning," he said, however uncertainly it came out. He wasn't sure if he was permitted to even say a short "hello" but he assumed that he wasn't because (somehow) Link grabbed his wrist to pull him away.

Feeling like he had to say something before being whisked away, Allen turned his head to catch a glimpse of his master standing up to leave. Their gazes locked for one moment before Cross turned away from him, handing Jerry his tray and proceeding to storm away with his guards in tow. Link spoke before Allen could protest.

"Forget about this incident," Link told him without caring that his charge had just broken one of the rules set up. "I don't want to have to deal with any more paperwork, so I won't report this."

"_Ah, at least I don't have to worry about getting in trouble," _Allen thought and relaxed, but didn't forget the look in his master's eyes. Link stopped again to raise his eyebrows and Allen realized he must have said that out loud.

"E-ehm, I mean-" Allen began to stutter, intimidated by the glare he was receiving from the inspector.

Link put his papers down on the nearest table and crossed his arms, narrowing his eyes to look disapprovingly at Allen. Awkwardly, Allen placed his own pile on that same table and chose to ignore the look the inspector was giving him. He felt his intense gaze on him but tried his best to block it out until Link gave in and sat down across from him.

Allen didn't get to eat for even five seconds when someone tackled him from behind to hug him. Surprised, Allen nearly choked on his food but managed to swallow it, ready to punch his harasser in the face when he saw an eye patch and vibrant red hair behind him. Allen stilled and stopped resisting since that would be futile, and let his friend poke his cheek while getting in his face.

"Moyashi-chan, you're up really early today," beamed none other than Lavi, who finally let Allen go and sat down (too close) next to the white haired exorcist. Lavi threw his arm around poor Allen's shoulders and hugged him excitedly, almost like an annoying older brother. "Why were you awake before the rest of us? You didn't even wait to meet up before breakfast," he complained.

Right as Allen tried to explain himself, Lavi picked Allen up and started to shake him. "L-Lavi, stop that!" Allen whined and tried to hit his friend on the head.

"Eh?" Lavi shook Allen harder, "What's that? I didn't hear you Moyashi-chan, you'll have to speak up!"

"B-but I…"

"What was that?" Lavi teased.

Before Lavi could further torment Allen, someone cut in to separate Allen from the bookman. Allen caught a faint smell of strawberries and recognized the scent as Lenalee's. He turned to smile gratefully at the Chinese woman, who'd pried Lavi off of his victim. The bookman huffed childishly and Lenalee berated him for causing Allen trouble at this time.

Settled down five minutes later (Lavi insisted on bothering Allen, but Lenalee shoved him off the bench and made him sit on the floor), Allen resumed his eating and Lenalee had joined them at the table with the exception of Lavi, who was going through all of Allen's papers while Link tried to stop him.

Allen scarfed down most of his food and looked up at the clock to see the time. "Link," he caught the quarrelling inspector's attention, "it's time to go. You said we had to go to… to the…" he struggled to remember the purpose of waking up earlier than normal; something to do with an appointment. "Uhh…"

His two friends stared at him and slowed down in what they were doing to listen in. Allen bit his lip but was saved from having to continue his sentence.

"The appointment with the doctor," Link supplied to Allen's relief.

"Yeah," he nodded to both him and his friends. He blinked, coming up with an absolute blank on the subject. "Yeah," he repeated tiredly to himself, which Lavi seemed to take notice of. "For the…" trailing off, he looked back to his guardian.

"Your insomnia," he answered. Allen nodded again, embarrassed that he was unable to recall important details. "You've been having trouble sleeping lately, waking up screaming and one time almost harmed yourself."

"How do you know that again?" Allen subconsciously raked his hand through his hair, then snapped out of it and blushed at the look Link gave him. "Ah, yeah, sorry," he apologized. "I forgot we shared a room."

Lenalee frowned worriedly at Allen's forgetfulness, and placed both of her warm hands on the sides of Allen's face to examine him. She let go after a few moments and asked, "Are you feeling alright, Allen-kun? You haven't been yourself at all lately."

To add to Lenalee's concern, Lavi jumped into the conversation. Link took this chance to snatch back his papers. Lavi barely noticed, as if he were thinking of saying something but refraining from doing so. Instead of saying what was on his mind, he said, "More than you know," and glanced at Allen's left hand. He caught himself staring at returned eye contact. "It might be due to stress," he suggested but half-heartedly so, like he didn't agree to his own idea.

Stress had been trying to sneak up on Allen lately, but he was capable of managing that and made sure he didn't go crazy trying to handle things. Surely stress couldn't be the reason, right?

"Well, I'm going to take care of it, so soon I'll be able to go to bed with ease if things turn out alright," Allen dismissed the issue. He glanced at the clock again and stood, picking up his dishes with him.

Both Lenalee and Lavi appeared reluctant to let Allen walk away from them, and Allen could almost understand the looks they shared as he left to return his plates.

He later identified their expression as doubt.

…

It took a while for them to finally get to the place where Allen was meant to meet up with his doctor. They traveled from one building to the other and entered a quieter place with few people. Something about the air surrounding the place made Allen want to turn and run, but he convinced himself that he was only nervous about his appointment.

Allen told himself this repeatedly as he knocked on the door to the room where he would be left alone. For reasons neither he nor Link could understand, visitors were forbidden from attending these sessions. Meaning that Allen was going to be speaking strictly one-on-one to a person he didn't know. He didn't know what the Black Order was thinking (shouldn't he be observed during an event this important?) but he didn't voice his opinion in fear of the truth being obvious and making himself look foolish for not understanding.

The door opened and behind stood a tall man with an intimidating aura, shoulders square and eyes piercing. Allen willed himself not to stop away, but looked back at Link for permission to go in. The inspector nodded and sat down on the bench outside to wait. Without further delay, Allen entered the office when he felt that he really shouldn't do this.

Inside the office Allen had expected to see something more… hospital-like, but the floor was carpeted and the room spacious. There was a desk cluttered with folders and papers nearby the window to the left, and on the right of the room a couch sat with a plush armchair across from it. In front of the couch but next to the chair was a coffee table, also open folders. The _counselor_ motioned for Allen to sit down on that couch and he went to do so, eyeing the door on the other side of the room.

_Ah, so this is therapy, _Allen thought, feeling a little silly for thinking he would be seeing an actual doctor. He had been imagining meeting the "doctor" in some other setting, but he supposed Link had phrased it differently so Allen wouldn't panic and start to think he had serious issues. Wasn't that why people even saw therapists? Though, insomnia was also a problem that couldn't exactly be solved by medicine- at least, that's what he thought. He didn't know how these things went.

The counselor sat on the armchair and reviewed the papers on the table quickly, then straightened them into a pile and put them in the folder. The man had brought over a clipboard and Allen prepared himself to be questioned about his problems.

"My name is Isaac Kamiya," the man greeted professionally and extended his hand for Allen to shake. Allen timidly offered his hand, and tried to smile. "You're Allen Walker?" He shook his head in the affirmative. "I've heard many interesting things about you, Walker. But we'll chat later," the therapist promised lightly. "You're here because you've been having trouble getting to sleep."

"Ehm, yes," Allen spoke up. "I didn't think I'd be taken seriously, bu-"

He was cut off by the counselor shaking his head. "Oh no, we take all sorts of ailments seriously here. If you're having trouble resting, it gets in the way of your work and we can't have that, now can we?"

"I guess," Allen agreed, not having seen it from the professional perspective.

"We'll start with some simple questions today. Is that okay?" Kamiya adjusted his glasses, and brushed the growing locks of dark brown hair off of his face.

Unsure of what else he could possibly say, Allen responded positively.

The questions were mostly about how he felt and what trouble him. The dialogue between them was short and to the point, how Allen believed it should go. The counselor didn't seem to care much about details, though he took down notes on whatever he was writing.

The questions were like this:

_How have you felt this week?_

To which Allen responded "A little restless."

_How did you feel when you woke up this morning?_

Allen had said that he had felt a little lost.

_Did you have a bad dream again?_

A nod, "Yes, I had a bad dream."

_Has anything made you angry? Sad?_

Confused as to why this was being asked but unwilling to speak up about it, Allen said that he had been a little upset earlier when he had been prevented from talking to his master.

_What invokes a strong, emotional response from you?_

The question was very personal to Allen, but he said:

"When I fail in what I do, and losing important things because of my failure. I hate when something happens and it's my fault."

The doctor was silent to this, but he took note of Allen's response regardless. He was released shortly after and told to return the next day, same time. Allen told him to have a nice day and went out the door, but Link wasn't where he had been when Allen had gone in. He glanced around but saw so sign of the inspector.

Figuring he should wait for Link to return, Allen sat down on the bench to wait for him to come back. He shut his eyes momentarily, but when he opened them, there in front of him was a golden golem by the name of Timcanpy.

"Tim?..." Allen put out his hands for Timcanpy to land, and the golem opened his mouth to relay a voice message.

"_Allen, this is Cross. I want you to communicate through Tim, but only when you're alone. End of message."_

Allen sat in silence, then his face twitched.

What was his master thinking? They weren't allowed to communicate, period! This was definitely going to get them in trouble if anyone found out…

But Allen had some questions of his own for the man.

First, though:

"_You know we're not allowed to talk! You're going to get me in trouble, master," _Allen scolded his master in his message. He glanced around once again and lowered his voice in case he might be overheard._ "But since you sent Tim like this I'm going assume it's important. Did something happen?"_

He kept his message short since he wasn't sure of what would happen, and dismissed Tim. As he watched the golem fly away, he thought back to the recent events, from the Order being attacked, blanking out during such an important time, moving, his nightmares, seeing that black shadow everywhere, forgetting things and being so… tired.

Allen sighed but raised his head when the figure of the inspector appeared from around the corner, pushing his thoughts to the back of his mind for later. He didn't know why, but as he stood he gave the counselor's room one last look. He had a feeling that something bad was to happen soon.

It was just a suspicion, though. That didn't necessarily mean that he was right. For all he knew, life could go back to normal and he would be able to forget all of this.

But…

He knew deep down that he was wrong.

He chose to lie to himself instead.

-DGrayMan-

I was in a good mood, so I managed 3k words :)

Any predictions yet? :D What do you think will happen in the next few chapters?

(Since I will undoubtedly finish this, and possibly make a sequel)


	4. Chapter 3: Inspection

Chapter Three: Inspection

-DGrayMan-

Cross's latest hallucinations were nothing more than the same words repeated in his head. The voices were accompanied by disturbing images that had been twisted from his memories to be displayed behind his eyelids whenever he tried to close them. It was his own guilt that brought on the torture, guilt and stress that had been building up behind a curtain and shrouded in darkness for who knew how long. Call him post-traumatic, but he had seen and carried out many things he could only be ashamed of as both an accomplice of the Fourteenth, and a general of the Black Order.

There was a lot behind that curtain and Cross dreaded looking to see how much had piled up over the recent years. The alcohol definitely isn't helping, he thought and glanced at the empty bottles of wine lying around the ground. He looked over to the table where his empty wine glass sat alone, which he thought of as rather pathetic. He turned to see if there was a stranger lying on his bed but saw that it was only him in this room, and wasn't sure whether he should be glad or disappointed. As he remembered there were guards outside, Cross decided to be glad as any visits had to be supervised.

His face twitched at the thought of doing that with someone watching (which may or may not have happened before), but he would have been drunk so it wouldn't matter so much. The result would only be a few guards scarred for life.

Since there was no reason for his gaze to linger on the bed any longer, Cross stood from the couch he'd passed out on the other night. His head was killing him, so he wandered around his room until he found his morning cure. _Aspirin_, he thought tiredly as he discovered his medicine hiding under his desk, _you are my only friend_.

Naturally, the pill container didn't answer him.

Feeling pathetic, Cross swallowed the miracle pill dry and stored the white container in a place where he would be able to find it for the aftermath of his next drinking marathon. In other words, for tomorrow morning, or whenever he woke up. _If _he woke up, he corrected himself as he nearly tripped on a randomly lying about wine bottle. At the rate he was drinking, he was likely to overdose.

Cross kicked the bottles out of the way to make his way to the mirror. His shirt from last night was a little wrinkled but that was fine since he wasn't up to changing. To hide his messy clothing, he put on his uniform and shrugged. His hair was as wild as ever but still as he liked it, so he left it alone.

A glance at the calendar hanging on his wall reminded him of his meeting with Lvellie later. He glanced at the clock and saw he had a while before he actually had to go, so he chose to leave his room. As he put his hand on the doorknob, an image flashed before his eyes too fast for him to identify and a shiver passed through him unpleasantly.

"_Don't forget, this is all because of you_," hissed the illusionary voice of Allen Walker, "_this is your fault_."

Cross grit his teeth and willed the voice to quiet down. He flung the door open and somehow managed to not snap at the guards posted outside his room. He didn't get halfway through the hall without some sort of chaos and stopped to watch a giant Komurin bot holding up none other than his apprentice, being chased down by the chief's younger sister and the bookman junior. The inspector followed behind shouting at Allen to wake up, and Cross looked to Allen to see that he was indeed knocked out.

He was tempted to laugh at the brat because of how pitiful he seemed, but genuinely felt bad that Allen had to deal with Komui's crazy inventions like this.

"Moyashi-chan!" the bookman junior yelled, "WAKE UP!"

"Water," Allen groaned.

Cross wondered why Allen's subconscious was asking for water when the actual body was in danger.

"Allen-kun," Lenalee called out, "if you don't wake up I'll eat that chocolate cake Jerry made all by myself!"

"You'll get fat," the redhead told the Chinese woman, who frowned at him and activated Dark Boots to rescue her friend. Cross watched her zoom by and considered helping out, but wasn't sure how the guards would react to that.

With a quick look at said guards, he noted that they were too busy gaping at the chaos before them. They wouldn't notice if he helped out a bit. Cross reached for Judgment, and drew it from its holster to fire at the Komurin bot. Not having to reload was convenient, he thought as he shot the weak spots on the Komurin.

So were bullets that went straight for the target even if he aimed in the other direction. That came in handy since he had technically missed five times in a row, as his target was moving. The Komurin tried to dodge but was too slow to react, crashing into the nearby wall in an attempt to get away but failing miserably. Cross sighed and put his gun back in its place.

Like a bunch of idiots, Allen's friends just stood there and waited for the brat to fall down. Cross did the (somewhat) sensible thing by approaching the scene and kicked the Komurin with enough force that the bot loosened its hold on Allen, who was dangling from its grip.

Allen groaned and came to, slowly opening his eyes to see what was happening. Cross gave the Komurin another kick. The shake caused Allen to slip out of the bot's hand and fall to the ground. Cross hadn't thought to catch him, but extended his hand to help Allen back up.

To his annoyance, Howard Link stepped forward to pull Allen up by himself. Allen complained about being treated roughly so early in the morning and the inspector responded by telling him it was already the afternoon. Since he clearly wasn't needed (or wanted, he thought with a sharp glare directed at the inspector) Cross changed his direction and walked the other way.

At least he wasn't the only one who was exhausted. Cross had seen the dark shadows under Allen's eyes and had taken note of the fact he was tired in the afternoon. Normally the brat was energetic but he supposed everyone had to have some sort of breaking point.

…

Lavi was worried about Allen, to be frank.

Allen's insomnia appeared to really be eating at him, if his current state indicated anything. To begin with, Allen started to forget to grab not even a small bite to eat after his early morning appointments with his counselor. Seeing as how their friend was the world's biggest -but thin, somehow very thin- glutton, it was strange to hear Allen say things like "I'm not hungry" or "not now, later." His meal sizes decreased gradually and when asked about it, Allen would tell them he couldn't keep it down.

So it wasn't just Allen's sleeping patterns that were being disturbed, but his diet too. Lavi was concerned that his friend would next tell them something strange, like Timcanpy being able to talk or that he was actually a being from outer space. Lavi rolled his eyes, thinking back to when Allen insisted that changes in sleep and diet were normal. That didn't mean that they couldn't look after him, though.

"Water," Allen repeated from earlier in a murmur, rubbing his eyes tiredly. The look in his eyes suggested that Allen wasn't even with them, probably drifting off to his own little world. Lenalee interpreted this differently as she knelt down before their friend.

"Are you thirsty?" she asked while Link observed from the side. The inspector had given up on getting Allen to stand and had let his friends deal with him.

Allen didn't respond, having already shut his eyes and nodded off. Lenalee smiled, patted Allen on the head, then promised to return with some water for their friend to drink. Lavi told her to bring it to Allen's room as he picked up the sleeping moyashi, carrying him on his back. Lenalee disappeared around the corner in a light jog and Lavi was about to look to Link, but the inspector gathered his unusually small stack of papers to go the other way.

Confused, Lavi called after Link. "Hey two-dot, where are you going?" he shouted to the inspector's irritation. He snickered to the side in satisfaction from getting a small rise out of the man. "Aren't you coming with us?"

"No," came Link's short answer. Lavi opened his mouth to question where he was going, but Link had thought ahead and was already on that. "I have a meeting," he added and left it at that.

Lavi wondered what sort of meeting would require Link to leave Allen behind (unattended, at that) but the inspector was out of sight soon enough. He pushed the matter aside and focused on returning Allen to bed, heading in the direction where his room was.

He found the room eventually, though he felt like he should have gotten there sooner. He'd already snuck in Allen's room several times to harass him, so he was a bit frustrated that it had taken him a while to remember where his friend was staying. Lavi opened the door with the key he had taken from Allen's pocket before the Komurin incident, and let himself in. The room was very plain and mostly empty save for the beds and standard wooden furniture, though it was very different from Lavi's own.

Normally Lavi wasn't even able to see the floor much less his own bed, so he took this chance to compare rooms for when (or if) he cleaned up all of the papers and books lying around his place.

After putting Allen in bed, Lavi pulled up a chair to watch over his friend. Waiting in silence with a sleeping person wasn't very fun, so he put Allen on top of his blankets and began to roll him up like a carpet. He snorted at the sight; Allen looked like a burrito the way he was. Lavi left him like that and wandered around to find some source of entertainment.

He was considering jumping on the bed next to the moyashi, but searching through the desk's drawers, he discovered a file with Allen's name on it. Curious, Lavi extracted it from the drawer and shut it, looking at both Allen and then the door. He was pretty sure he wasn't allowed to read this, but he was a bookman and he could just claim it was for recording purposes.

Ignoring his abuse of power, Lavi opened the file to skim the first page. From what he saw, it appeared to be an information packet on a sort of treatment. This caught his attention immediately.

Was this what they were going to do to Allen? Lavi looked closer and hurried to get past the parts explaining why Allen could be having trouble sleeping. He wasn't interested in that part; he wanted to know what they were going to do, and how.

As the packet neared an end, Lavi was about ready to resign but the words on top of the last page made him tighten his grip on the page.

"_Hypnosis, also referred to as hypnotherapy or hypnotic suggestion, is a trance-like state in which you have heightened focus, concentration and inner absorption_," the paper read. Lavi went over this to make sure he was reading right, but the words did not change. He continued reading aloud to himself, unable to believe what he was seeing.

Hypnosis? That was ridiculous. Was the Order really planning on helping Allen this way? Lavi shook his head, unable to believe this one bit.

"_When you're under hypnosis, you usually feel calm and relaxed, and you can concentrate intensely on a specific thought, memory, feeling or sensation while blocking out distractions. You'll be more open than usual to suggestions, and this can be used to modify your perceptions, behavior, sensations and emotions…"_

Lavi skipped ahead a bit after trailing off after that passage, skimming through the entertainment type of hypnosis and how it contrasted to therapeutic hypnosis. He already knew what that was and didn't need to have it explained to him.

The rest of the packet explained that during sessions Allen would have free will and that he wouldn't lose control over his behavior. Then, at the very end was for some sort of medication.

He glanced at the sleeping form of his friend and wondered if there was something Allen was holding back from them. While Allen was an honest person, he had admitted that telling others about his own worries was stressful. He understood that, but felt bad that Allen hadn't told them that he was going to be taking some sort of strange medicine.

Perhaps Allen hasn't read this yet, he thought and nodded to himself. Allen had said that there was a lot of work for him to do. Maybe Allen hadn't even started reading the packet.

Still…

In search of answers, Lavi re-opened the drawer where he had discovered the file and found other unmarked folders. He searched through them for more information regarding his friend's health and the treatment to be used, but it was only regular paperwork. He went through the entire desk before he ended his search, but didn't forget about what he had just learned.

A knock on the door snapped him out of his thoughts. Lenalee entered with a glass of water and a small snack for Allen, who was still awkwardly wrapped in his blankets. Lenalee pursed her lips and looked accusingly at Lavi, who held up his hands in defense. Lenalee started to berate him for bothering a sleeping person, and Lavi half-heartedly spoke up to his own defense. He didn't mention the folder he found earlier while snooping around as Lenalee would overreact to that, but he really was worried about Allen.

Concerned about this hypnosis treatment, Lavi made a mental note to look more into that later. He figured he might consult the Bookman with this matter or keep quiet entirely, but this was too suspicious for him not to say anything. He had to talk to someone, but he felt like he had few people he could trust in the Order. Lenalee was out of the question, Kanda wouldn't care, Komui might tell, Link would remember his questioning and Lavi could get in a lot of trouble; Cross Marian was Allen's master but no one was allowed to approach him without supervision, and Lavi didn't think he would care too much; other people wouldn't see the suspicion he did and might cause a scene about it, even. That left only one person he could sort of trust, which was Bookman, but Lavi wasn't a hundred percent certain about that.

If he was going to do this, he supposed he had no choice but to phrase his words to avoid worse-case scenario. He knew about the Order's lack of trust in Allen and asking about something as suspicious as _hypnosis_ to a person they had practically placed under _house-arrest_ wasn't just something he could bring up casually in any conversation without being placed under suspicion himself. Lavi didn't want to get in trouble or face the same doubt Allen was dealing with. Only God knew how troublesome that was.

-DGrayMan-

My favorite part was when Lavi told Lenalee she would get fat. What was your favorite part?

._.

I am bored.

*Sets self on fire*

ARE YOU ENTERTAINED NOW?

*Throws self off cliff from boredom*

BECAUSE I KNOW I'M NOT!

*Goes flying*


	5. Chapter 4: Bittersweet Memory

Chapter four: Bittersweet Memory

-DGrayMan-

General Cross was currently downing bottle after bottle of alcohol. He had locked himself in his room upon returning from his meeting with Lvellie, angered over the conversation that had ensued upon entry. It was all nothing but bullshit, that's what it was. All that talk about the Fourteenth and Allen, saying things like "revival of the fourteenth" and demanding that it be "soon."

Admittedly he had been the one to even tell the Order about Neah and Allen. He hadn't wanted to, but if it meant getting supporters and being able to talk to Allen- which he _had _to- then there was no other choice but to come clean about the truth. Cross knew it wasn't the best time to reveal everything that he knew, what with Allen's situation in the Order and after everything that had happened, but there was something that he needed to say. What he had to say was important.

But this was a bunch of bullshit.

Those idiots didn't even have a guaranteed plan; they had only said that Allen would attend sessions that_ may_ trigger his memories. They didn't even mention what kind of session it was or how they planned to go about doing that when they knew _nothing_ of Allen or the Fourteenth's past. Then they'd had the gall to ask for his cooperation.

Fucking. Bullshit.

Cross grit his teeth and finished the last of his wine bottle. He had drained it to the very last drop and when he reached for the next, he saw that his stash was completely gone. Surprised he'd drank so much in that time, Cross searched under the couch to see if he had knocked any bottles around. He hadn't.

At a loss as to what to do, he closed his eyes and leaned back where he sat. He could only think of how angry he had been when he heard their "plan." The thought of losing Allen sooner bothered him, but it was couldn't be stopped. The Allen from back then had offered to be the host, so it didn't matter whether or not he agreed to it now. Losing Allen was inevitable. How Allen spent that time before then was a different story.

"_What has been done cannot be reversed_." Allen of all people should know that. He was the one who...

Cross scowled and didn't dare to finish that thought. _It doesn't matter,_ he told himself. If that was true, though, then why the hell did he feel so guilty about that brat?

With his mind racing, Cross jumped out of his seat to pace around his room. He wandered over to the window to distract himself, wondering how the hell he wasn't in a coma from drinking so much.

Looking outside, he saw that the clouds had gathered to block out the sun entirely. Winds violently swayed branches back and forth, and in the distance he could hear thunder. Far away the clouds flashed white and lightning split across the grey sky. Soon the storm would reach the Black Order and bring down the heavy rain.

His gaze swept across the ground down below as if searching for someone, but his eyes stopped to land on none other than the boy he had just been worrying over.

"Allen," he said tiredly. He'd thought of telling Allen about the hallucinations but knew he wouldn't be understood.

Because Allen didn't remember the past, he wouldn't understand why he was the center of everything or why this was all happening. All Allen would do was tilt his head curiously, blush, then look away in embarrassment because that was how he was now. Allen was different.

-_So if he was different, it wouldn't matter if he disappeared, right?-_

Cross put the palms of his hands against the glass of the window. He watched as Allen vanished inside a building with the inspector, felt unease in his heart and knew it wasn't healthy to hold onto things of the past. It was best to forget.

Right?

...

The sky above was grey and the world cold. Cross had opened his eyes to witness the innocent snow fall, following them down to what he knew would be the road for that night's dream.

It always started out like this.

He would be looking up at the sky the Allen loved, the snowflakes he was so fascinated with, and when he looked down, he always saw the memories only he held onto.

Today he was in some town, standing alone on the sidewalk with the snow falling around him. The streets were empty but the footprints were there. There was only one set which led over the hill and, resigning, he followed it. He couldn't leave until the memory was complete; that's how it always was. Cross followed the footprints, creating his own set of tracks in the snow that crunched underneath him.

He couldn't remember the dream from last night nor could he recall the dream of the night before, just that it always ended the same way: in tragedy. Therefore, today would be the same. No matter how much negative emotion accumulated during these times, the next morning he would forget entirely because of his drinking. Hangovers were tolerated for that one reason alone, as they gave him something else to focus on other than the past he hid.

This was unlike him, extremely out of character to be mulling over things that could be thought of as trivial. Though perhaps he was only acting like this because he had never had the chance to do so properly. He always turned to alcohol or the company of others, but he never mentioned his own emotions.

_What am I thinking, _Cross snapped at himself. That was ridiculous! He was a man, damn it, he should act like one.

What had Allen said though? Back then, when he was a child…

He had said something along the lines of "Cry when you are sad, and eat when you are hungry!" and had smiled brightly like the sun.

Yeah, that sounded like him to say that.

At the top of the small hill, the sound of a piano playing softly in the background traveled through the air to reach his ears. And when he stopped in front of an alley to listen close, he could hear the piece accompanied by a familiar voice. Each note was played elegantly, smoothly, and the melody of that song with each word was too much for him to bear.

It was a sad song. In such a setting, with each snowflake falling from the sky and the world darkening, the sweet and bitter music fit right into the scene. Tiredly, Cross came closer to the source and placed his hand against the brick building where the noise was originating from. He leaned his head against it momentarily, just to listen to the melody that was haunting to only him.

_So it's this memory_, he thought. Cross stepped into the alley and his attire changed to his priest's clothing, long coat and glasses, hair swept back in a ponytail. He continued forward to the door at the end, the door that led to the backstage of the performance. Reluctantly he approached the entrance, pausing to mentally prepare himself for whatever he was about to see. To be exact, what he _knew _he was going to see here.

The doorknob was freezing cold but Cross opened the door to confront the memory and get this over with.

Inside it was warmer and for that he was grateful. A wave of heat hit him and his eyes had adjusted quickly to the darkness of the back. His coat disappeared and materialized on the coat rack on the other side of the room, his feet moving to carry him to a small table with two chairs. He sat down at that table by himself, with not a single person in sight. There was a crowd out in the auditorium, but he had a feeling that if he looked out, he wouldn't see anything but the endless darkness.

Not everything could be remembered from all those years ago, so all insignificant people were bound to be shapeless shadows anyways. Other memories were like that; crowds spoke words that jumbled together to sound like nonsense, while so many faces were painted black. When he thought about it, the only people whose faces he saw were very few. It wasn't strange since Cross hated humanity and was generally rude to anyone he met, leaving him with a limited social life.

His flirting with women didn't count, seeing as how he didn't bother with their names or general existence.

Light crept from the front so Cross wasn't exactly sitting in the dark. The song gradually came to an end, and he heard a few quick words being said after the performance. Imaging the musician bowing before the crowd, Cross rolled his eyes at how ridiculous that seemed to him.

There was an energetic applause from the main stage, and then _he _pushed the curtains aside. The young man didn't notice him at first, but just as Cross recalled, he turned around and smiled.

"Marian," he greeted softly.

His silver eyes were kind and lively, just as they had been all those years ago. A pang of regret stung his heart from looking at that gentle expression and Cross turned his head away, watching the memory Allen approach from his peripheral vision. Quietly, the young man crouched down beside his chair to wait for the other to look at him.

The memory Allen expected him to speak, but Cross wasn't sure if the dream would change if he tried to say anything different from how he had originally. To be safe, he stuck to what little he recalled saying and faced the smiling idiot.

"I told you not to wait for me," he told the illusion. "I said that I didn't know if I would be able to make it here or not."

Allen continued to smile nonetheless. "I believed that you would at least hear the end of the show," he answered confidently, to Cross's irritation. He rose elegantly and moved around the table to sit on the other side, coming off as carefree at a first glance.

Cross knew better than that. He'd known Allen such a long time, but in his younger years he had never noticed the façade he had put up. What laid behind the mask he had never been able to crack through was sadness. If only he had _known_, then maybe… maybe things wouldn't have turned out as horribly as they had.

"I'm here now," he assured the memory Allen. Then, on an impulse, added, "and I always will be."

When Cross looked up for Allen's response, the memory was no longer there, and all was silent. The lights shut off completely, leaving him alone backstage.

Nothing else happened after that.

-DGrayMan-

:(


	6. Chapter 5: Just Talk to Me

Chapter Five: Just Talk to Me

Told from Timcanpy's POV

-DGrayMan-

The boy is smiling, happier than he has been of late as he waves, silver eyes kind and joyful as he allows Timcanpy inside the room while the inspector is away for a meeting. Timcanpy goes in through the window that has been cracked open a little for entry, which is closed shortly after the golem tackles the white-haired boy and nuzzles his face. The boy- Allen- smiles and says that he missed Tim, who then flies around that child in circles.

"Tim!" he grins, and holds the golem in those warm hands of his. "How are you?"

He doesn't ask about the messages that Tim's master, Cross Marian, has been sending. Rather, Allen is polite to everyone and everything, and asks how Timcanpy, a mere golem, is doing. It strikes Timcanpy as odd that someone would do such a thing, as golems are to be used to information and contacting, not socializing.

However, Allen Walker treats him no differently than he does with his friends.

To show his affection for the odd boy, Tim opens his mouth and bites down on Allen's ear. He lets out a small yelp which he attempts to muffle, and forces a smile as he looks to Tim.

"That hurt," he says with a twitch.

Snorting in amusement, Timcanpy puts a halt to their games and relays the message he was meant to send. Opening his mouth, Tim plays the voice recording Master Cross had made some time ago to be delivered to his "idiot apprentice" as he calls him.

"_Allen," _comes the deep, gruff voice of the general, "_you are an idiot."_

Said boy blinks and later lets out a small huff as his master continues.

"_No, nothing bad happened, you moron."_

This time Allen pouts like a small child.

"_I actually wanted to ask if you were feeling alright," _Allen's face softens and he sits down on his bed, bringing his knees up to his chest to hug them. "_I never got to talk to you about the piano and the music score-" _at this, the white haired boy scowls but the irritation washes off of his expression quickly, as it's difficult for him to stay angry "-_or about what's happening to you. I know I have a lot to explain-"_

"No kidding," Allen mutters under his breath.

"_-but I just want to let you know..." _Cross's recording let out a deep sigh, as if preparing for the words. Allen tilts his head curiously, scooting closer in case he might miss the message. He glances at the door as if expecting Howard Link to come through, then looks back to Timcanpy to listen.

_"I just wanted to let you know that I'm sorry_."

Shock makes itself present on the scarred face of the white haired boy and he falls completely silent, his silver- no, mercury, as master described them- eyes widening ever so slightly, no longer focused on Tim but someplace else.

"_I'm sorry for getting you mixed up in this mess," _Cross continues, "_and I'm sorry for... everything else."_

"Master?" Allen says quietly, but to himself.

"_You're probably going to hate me anyways for what I may have to do to you- and I don't see the point in trying to talk to someone who can't even remember, but... I thought that you at least deserved an apology. It's the least I could do- just barely the least, but it's still something."_

Timcanpy knows what Cross is referring to, but doesn't interrupt to show Allen the memories that he doesn't have anymore. The subject changes to steer away from the intended message, as if Cross hadn't been able to muster up enough courage to talk about it.

"Anyways," Cross says in a lighter mood, "_how are you? I haven't had the chance to speak to you properly since the Ark, and even then I couldn't say much with your buddies around. Heard you got kissed by that Noah woman, eh? How was it?" _Allen flushed bright red at the reference, snapping out of his daze when his master mentioned the enemy flirting with him. "_I'm so relieved that you're taking after me. I always had a feeling you would become popular with the ladies!"_

The general's bark-like laughter filled the room and eventually died off, just as Allen's burning red cheeks had become as red as they could be.

"_Well, that was just once, so we'll see. Tim has been showing me all these crazy things about you- it almost made me wish I'd been there. You know, I spent about an entire hour laughing at you?"_

Allen buried his face in his knees in embarrassment.

"_But," _Cross's voice drawls and the amusement dies off to a more serious tone. "_Tim also showed me some other things, like that incident where you got stabbed in the heart and didn't tell anyone."_

With a wince, Allen shifts his head to look guiltily out the window. He shifts uncomfortably at the memory and brings up his hand over the wound, then his face becomes pained as if he were feeling it right then.

"_He showed me everything from when he was with you." _Cross pauses and then adds, "_He also replayed a couple incidents- recent incidents- that you may have not been... aware of."_

Allen tilts up his head to look at Timcanpy, mercury eyes miserable but also interested in what his master had to say. Again, Timcanpy knows exactly what Cross is about to reference, and has a feeling that he should show the white-haired boy the recording.

"_It's... mostly why I'm asking after you. Normally I wouldn't, but what you did back there- it was... How do I say this... It was..."_

The next word has Allen freeze completely.

"Disturbing."

The message ends shortly after and Allen sits there, stunned from hearing his master's concern. Timcanpy closes his mouth and flutters down to curl on the boy's shoulder, then crawls over to his throat and bites him.

A scream escapes Allen's lips but the boy covers his mouth to hide the loud noise, knowing others from outside may have heard him. Blood rises from the small wounds Tim had made, and trickles down his neck. Allen sees this and quickly removes his red ribbon, putting it to the side carefully before taking off his vest and shirt. He forgets that the golem had bitten him and makes a few pathetic whimpering sounds as he holds back the pain.

Tim watches Allen reach under the bed for a First Aid kit and as he took out what he needed, Tim decided to replay the memory Allen didn't have.

_The figure rose from the ground silently, hands by his side as the enemy's body writhed with pain nearby. Mercury eyes were dull as they looked over to the form of the Level 4 akuma, his face as blank as his eyes were. He took the first step forward towards no where, his sword returning to his one hand and becoming one with the boy's roughed up form, signaling the end of the fighting. _

_He said nothing when the akuma screamed at the present exorcists, as if the insults did not phase him. Beside the white-haired boy, a Chinese woman and a man with red hair approached to watch their enemy. They didn't notice the cross on their comrade's hand glow, and the feathers of his outfit spreading out to form something. The head dropped tiredly, this sudden movement catching the attention of the woman and alerting her._

_"_Allen?" _she breathed, but the figure did not respond, only raising his head to examine his surroundings._

_Feathery wings sprouted from his back which arched, the force almost making him fall to the ground. Allen didn't react as the woman, Lenalee, rushed to his side to help him. She reached out with her hand to place it on Allen's shoulder, but retracted as if burned and nearly jumped back, her amethyst eyes widening in confusion and fear._

_"Stop," came an unnatural sound from his mouth, a voice that did not belong to the boy or anyone else. It was both male and female, younger and older, from Allen's mouth but sounding far away at the same time. The left hand raised itself to the owner's face to touch the wound, appearing troubled as the once expressionless face frowned. The wings that sprouted from his back extended to stretch out fully, moving naturally for this boy._

_The red haired man known as Cross moved forward, catching the attention of the new arrival. The general had a bewildered expression on his face, his hand moving to his holster where his gun was. _

_"No..." the strange voice said weakly, "don't hurt... Allen..."_

_At this point the other Exorcists had gotten back up, regaining consciousness and arriving at the scene too late to help. Lavi could be seen standing up from the floor, battered up as he was, and taking in his surroundings before seeing the brilliant white wings sprouting from Allen's back. He shouted something, but it was inaudible as others arrived and gathered at the center where they stared at the Allen who wasn't._

_The frown on Allen's face deepened, looking out of place on the boy who usually smiled. As though experiencing a headache, he lowered his head and placed Allen's hands over his ears, blocking out the noise from other people like a child._

_"Don't hurt Allen," it requested in a whisper in the silence of the tense atmosphere, not knowing or caring that everyone became quiet from their own uncertainty as how to deal with the situation._

_"Allen," it said the name of the body it had possessed, hand glowing a gentle green in contrast to the violent light it had given off as it had seen the threat in the people around it. "Allen," it repeated the name to itself longingly, left hand curling over Allen's heart. "Don't disappear, Allen."_

_The building suddenly began to shake after that, fear crossing Allen's face and mercury eyes widening as he clutched the torn fabric over his chest. Startled screams and shouts were heard while Allen's body collapsed to its knees, both hands over his heart and curling on the floor in pain. His back arched and his wings spread out behind him, as Allen kicked out as if that would stop the ache._

_"STOP!" it screamed out through clenched teeth, eyes widened with panic. Its shout was cut off by bloodcurdling screaming, the unnatural but terrifying sound coming from Allen's mouth. His writhing body rolled to one side as objects from higher up began to fall and crash around him, then he twisted to the other side while holding back _its_ painful cries. _

_The crowd of Exorcists put their hands over their ears, as if Allen's cries were poison to them. Cross Marian pushed through the bodies to get to his apprentice, kneeling down beside him even as the not-Allen refused to let the man touch him._

_Cross tried to speak, but the inhuman voice let out one last scream before it stopped._

_"Who is killing Allen?"_

_The chaos came to an abrupt end with the last scream that echoed throughout the Black Order. Allen's writhing body became limp, the wings retracting slowly into his back, eyes closing while the being seemed to disappear. His Innocence deactivated completely as the building stilled, no longer shaking now that the source had left._

_Allen, completely knocked out, lay on the floor of the Order amongst the rubble from the earlier battle. Cross shook his shoulder to wake him, then took his pulse after he didn't respond._

_"His pulse is failing, we need another stretcher_ stat!_" he shouted, and the other Exorcists stirred from the shock they had been in to get going._

_"Allen?" Lenalee cried, holding onto Lavi while looking at the unmoving form of their friend._

_"Don't worry Lenalee, Allen will be..." Lavi trailed off with a glance at the frozen body, then said quietly to the other, "fine. He'll be okay."_

_"What the hell just happened?" Kanda could be heard demanding in the background. "What happened to the Moyashi?"_

_"Now everyone, if you would just settle down-" came Komui's voice, but the shouts of the other Exorcists were too loud._

_"What do you think happened?"_

_"Was that Allen talking?"_

_"What were those wings coming from his back?"_

_"I wonder if his Innocence evolved again..."_

_"EVERYONE, SHUT UP!" Cross roared, standing up to shout at the crowd which silenced quickly._

_Komui nodded gratefully at Cross and then continued, but the recording ended before anything else could be seen._

_..._

"I'm good, mostly tired, having nightmares a lot. Ahh... Yeah, I'm just... I'm just really tired."

Timcanpy watches Allen as he records him, unable to discern the expression on his face as he speaks. Allen likes to leave video messages, whereas his master always leaves voice recordings. The two are very different, Timcanpy thinks, but maybe that's why they're so close.

So far the boy hasn't said anything about the recording Tim had showed him. It's as if he were pretending he hadn't seen anything, but Timcanpy didn't mind. Allen didn't need to speak about it, but he just felt like the boy had deserved to know why everyone was uneasy around him.

"The musical score... those were the characters that Mana had taught me. Why were they there? And why are you saying sorry?" Allen frowns deeply while remembering the recording, having no clue about what his master had referenced. "Look, I don't understand any of this. I have a lot of questions, and I really hope you're up to answering them."

At last Allen ends this message, and stands from the edge of this bed to wander about the room. Timcanpy ended the video and watched as Allen set his mind on a destination and went for the window.

He quietly opens it up, sticking his head outside as he leans his body forward, arms crossed on the windowsill. He releases a deep sigh, and Tim flutters over to his side to see how he's feeling. Refraining from biting the boy on the cheek, Tim perched himself on Allen's shoulder. Tilting to the side, he looks up to Allen's face and sees the troubled expression on his face.

Timcanpy whacked the side of Allen's face with his tail to get him to stop.

Personally, Timcanpy didn't like to see the white haired boy act like that. It wasn't just him who felt like that- Marian hated that face more than anyone else, probably. All Tim could do was bite or hit the boy to snap him out of the mood, whereas Marian used cruel words but at least said the truth.

Had Timcanpy been given a voice, he certainly would have spoken to Allen by now. "Jealous" was one word to describe how Tim felt towards Marian. The man had something he didn't, and wasn't using it the right way.

Allen turns his head to blink at the golem, then smiles and pats Tim on the head.

Timcanpy really likes Allen. He likes to see his smile, likes to be patted on the head, and likes it when Allen talks to him because it gives him a very human sensation. Being around this person is pleasant.

A knock on the door steals Allen's attention and the golem experiences a twinge of child-like annoyance. Knowing he has to leave, Tim takes off while the white-haired exorcist goes to answer the door for whoever is there. Tim can't be seen by anyone, otherwise both Allen and Marian will get in trouble.

As Timcanpy leaves, he thinks of where he can find his master and also wonders what Allen had been troubled over.

_It's not like you to look so downcast._

-DGrayMan-

Chapter 217 came out :( I felt like I had to write something for Tim.


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